Saturday, January 31, 2004
The raingauge blew away
Friday, January 30, 2004
Cat's Guide to Humans
Courtesy of archdruid@cix
Cat's Guide To Human Beings
Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire: the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film,stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following:
cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
Cat's Guide To Human Beings
Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire: the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the
activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film,stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following:
cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
The coldest day since records began
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
This parrot could shout obscenities about Hitler
Monday, January 26, 2004
Pepys' Diary
Mr SIMM is now in Kentucky
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Where I've been
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Dilbert
Friday, January 23, 2004
First Beagle 2 dies, now Spirit is sick
BBC NEWS | Science/Nature | Nasa rover breaks down on Mars
The Deep Space Network picked up the following communication:
...repeat The Mars Defence Force reports the disabling of Earth Invader codename 'Spirit' near the Gusev Village stop
Despite poor defences in the region, Gusev Workers have fought valiantly against invading forces stop 'Spirit' has attempted to communicate for reinforcements, but quick action by Martian Comrades stopped any intelligible communcations being transmitted stop Local operatives report the invader's death is imminent stop
This follows the spectacular success four weeks ago with the destruction of the first invader codename 'Beagle' by the newly operational Strategic Defence Initiative stop Long range scanners detect a third invader codename 'Opportunity' stop SDI is now at full force ready to meet this invader in the coming hours stop
The Martian Republic salutes its hero comrades and will be victorious against the Earth aggressor stop...
The Deep Space Network picked up the following communication:
...repeat The Mars Defence Force reports the disabling of Earth Invader codename 'Spirit' near the Gusev Village stop
Despite poor defences in the region, Gusev Workers have fought valiantly against invading forces stop 'Spirit' has attempted to communicate for reinforcements, but quick action by Martian Comrades stopped any intelligible communcations being transmitted stop Local operatives report the invader's death is imminent stop
This follows the spectacular success four weeks ago with the destruction of the first invader codename 'Beagle' by the newly operational Strategic Defence Initiative stop Long range scanners detect a third invader codename 'Opportunity' stop SDI is now at full force ready to meet this invader in the coming hours stop
The Martian Republic salutes its hero comrades and will be victorious against the Earth aggressor stop...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Winston Churchill's parrot is still alive
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Chat with Dubya
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Brighton
Since nobody has commented yet I must just say that yesterday on the beach was great fun and as usual the fish supper was worth the walk.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Katie skimmed a stone
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Sweet Satan... Stairway to Heaven backwards.
Stairway to Heaven
Stairway to Heaven backwards, now with all Satanic messages fully restored!
Stairway to Heaven backwards, now with all Satanic messages fully restored!
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
No no no (© 1971)
First, they came
"First they came for the verbs and I said nothing, for verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns and I speech nothing, for I no verbs." Peter Ellis
Shipping Forecast
Monday, January 12, 2004
Mugs
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Badger badger badger...
Friday, January 09, 2004
Reenactment etc
Bronze age
Matthew Amt's Greek Hoplite Page
The Wychurst project
Manaraefan Herred
The Vikings are online
Matthew Amt's Greek Hoplite Page
The Wychurst project
Manaraefan Herred
The Vikings are online
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Ouzo
It seems that Ouzo starts off as alcohol made from grape skins and other stuff Ouzo, Chios
Australians given mid-air toilet advice
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
V E T
Three cats will be going on a journey
Rescue remedy may help
[edited]
It went quite well, with Anna's usual contribution to the journey
Rescue remedy may help
[edited]
It went quite well, with Anna's usual contribution to the journey
Best chance to hear from Beagle 2
Mars Express overhead
[edited]
Silence...
... we may find out if there is any trace on the surface, but although there are further chances of Mars Express being able to talk to and hear from Beagle 2, I don't think it is likely.
[edited]
Silence...
... we may find out if there is any trace on the surface, but although there are further chances of Mars Express being able to talk to and hear from Beagle 2, I don't think it is likely.
What an ugly pig
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Ken Welcomed Back Into Labour Fold
The sun shone today
Monday, January 05, 2004
Urrgh
Tsunami was not happy this morning
We hate January!
Sunday, January 04, 2004
Last Day of Freedom
Saturday, January 03, 2004
Sub zero
Coldest night of the year so far Weather Underground: Weather Station History
Friday, January 02, 2004
Need more bulbs
Power failure
Following on from the blueyonder cockup, edfenergy managed to mastermind a powercut from 07:25 this morning for over an hour. When I rang them they still claim to be looking in to my complaint no. 5965
Thursday, January 01, 2004
BlueBlunder
Telewest blueyonder had a flood in their Knowlsey datacentre and we lost our TV feed from before midnight to midmorning on New Years Day, we had to watch Jools on BBC to bring the New Year in, and missed Edge of Darkness.
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